The Truth
A true story:
A long time ago -- about 2000 years -- Joseph was travelling with his suspiciously pregnant wife to Bethlehem, because Herod wanted to tax them. And lo, Jesus was born in the stable behind the Holiday Inn Express (they had to stay in the stable because Joseph hadn't booked ahead).
Shepherds came from the fields and presented Jesus with the only thing they had: A foul smell. 3 Kings came as well to give him Gold, Frankinsence, and Japanese Teriyaki. The animals in the stable looked on in awe.
The cow said, "Isn't it cool we can talk? I wish there was something we could give the baby Jesus. I know! I'll give him some of my milk!"
The cow proceeded to milk itself (cows in those days had hands growing out of their sides). The sheep gave the baby Jesus its wool by rubbing itself up against a nasty shard of metal, wedged in the ground (after a few less-than-serious nicks and cuts).
The horse neighed/sang a song to the baby boy, while the turkey stood there troubled, since he didn't know what to give the baby Jesus.
The horse yelled at the turkey,"Hey turkey! Are you stupid? What's that thing on your face? You look stupid! You're stupid!"
Meanwhile, Herod had learned of the birth of this "King of Kings" and was very jealous. He proceeded to his underground laboratory where he was extracting DNA from fossilized amber globules.
So, Herod unleashed his reverse-engineered velociraptors into the night to feast on the baby Jesus and rid Herod of his problem. As the raptors approached the stable, the turkey stood in their way -- as the other animals cowered in the shadows.
"I'll save the baby Jesus" he said!
The velociraptors, however, in one swoop, slit the turkey's throat, eviscerated and gutted him; then stuffed him with delicious bread. The turkey then fell back, feathers flying, into the fire. As the turkey roasted, the raptors realised an epiphany - they could not kill the baby Jesus! They retreated into the Judean night.
Mary, Joseph, the Wisemen, Shepherds and the animals stood stunned, impressed with the selfless act of the turkey.
Mary wondered aloud, "How can we remember this selfless act?"
"I know," Joseph exclaimed, "We can eat him, and carry a piece of him within us.
"For a while anyway..."
And that's how turkey came to be the meal of choice at Christmas.
True story, swear to God.*
*Not true. Don't wanna go to hell. C'mon, lighten up. Thanks D. Marshall! No, wait, that's too obvious. Drew M.
A long time ago -- about 2000 years -- Joseph was travelling with his suspiciously pregnant wife to Bethlehem, because Herod wanted to tax them. And lo, Jesus was born in the stable behind the Holiday Inn Express (they had to stay in the stable because Joseph hadn't booked ahead).
Shepherds came from the fields and presented Jesus with the only thing they had: A foul smell. 3 Kings came as well to give him Gold, Frankinsence, and Japanese Teriyaki. The animals in the stable looked on in awe.
The cow said, "Isn't it cool we can talk? I wish there was something we could give the baby Jesus. I know! I'll give him some of my milk!"
The cow proceeded to milk itself (cows in those days had hands growing out of their sides). The sheep gave the baby Jesus its wool by rubbing itself up against a nasty shard of metal, wedged in the ground (after a few less-than-serious nicks and cuts).
The horse neighed/sang a song to the baby boy, while the turkey stood there troubled, since he didn't know what to give the baby Jesus.
The horse yelled at the turkey,"Hey turkey! Are you stupid? What's that thing on your face? You look stupid! You're stupid!"
Meanwhile, Herod had learned of the birth of this "King of Kings" and was very jealous. He proceeded to his underground laboratory where he was extracting DNA from fossilized amber globules.
So, Herod unleashed his reverse-engineered velociraptors into the night to feast on the baby Jesus and rid Herod of his problem. As the raptors approached the stable, the turkey stood in their way -- as the other animals cowered in the shadows.
"I'll save the baby Jesus" he said!
The velociraptors, however, in one swoop, slit the turkey's throat, eviscerated and gutted him; then stuffed him with delicious bread. The turkey then fell back, feathers flying, into the fire. As the turkey roasted, the raptors realised an epiphany - they could not kill the baby Jesus! They retreated into the Judean night.
Mary, Joseph, the Wisemen, Shepherds and the animals stood stunned, impressed with the selfless act of the turkey.
Mary wondered aloud, "How can we remember this selfless act?"
"I know," Joseph exclaimed, "We can eat him, and carry a piece of him within us.
"For a while anyway..."
And that's how turkey came to be the meal of choice at Christmas.
True story, swear to God.*
*Not true. Don't wanna go to hell. C'mon, lighten up. Thanks D. Marshall! No, wait, that's too obvious. Drew M.
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