2.26.2006

The Ironicanagram

Here's a good anagram:

"To be or not to be that is the question whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

becomes

"In one of the Bard's best thought of tragedies our insistent hero Hamlet queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

How convenient.

1.07.2006

The Wrongness of Gay Marriage

Stolen from another site. Enjoy.

10 reasons Gay Marriage is wrong:

1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

1.05.2006

The Post About Nothing in Particular. Really.

Work has become far more tedious than I had ever thought it would be; staff morale is poor because of constant meddling by my superiors, work politics make my stomach turn, conversations and meetings are mind-numbing wastes of time where -- and this is the most annoying trait that it seems everyone I work with seems to share -- people ignorantly talk about things that they don't particularly understand with incredible passion and vigor.

For no particular reason at all, I'm reminded of a story. This was a few years ago; I was flying to Florida to visit my Grandparents, but was doing so alone. I was sitting next to this guy, probably about 35, who turned to me to talk.

"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Now, I was just about to dig into the In-Flight Magazine provided by the fine people at Air Canada, but I decided to humour him for a moment.

"What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said, "How about nuclear power?"

"That could be an interesting topic," I said, "but let me ask you a question first:"

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass -- the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," he said, "I have no idea."

"Well, then," I told him, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

12.26.2005

The Gleaning of Christmas

'Tis the season (punctuation pending)!

Christmastime is, in perpetuity, my second favourite time of the year. There's something wonderful about the generally (freely given or forced) sincere nature of your fellow man. Political correctness aside, most major culture/religious group celebrates something this time of year, and people are generally in a good mood.

And yes, I will use the term "Christmas" because that is what I celebrate. If you celebrate something else, I hope it's equally as enjoyable.

There's a feeling of hearth, if that is something that one could perceptually measure; maybe it's the spirituality, or the consumerism, or the desire to end the year on some sort of high-note, but the feeling is palpable, and welcome in an increasingly cynical world.

Pontification aside, the material aspect of Christmas is really the one that interests people the most. When I was a child, it was the start of the all-important Spoilification that would inevitably occur come Christmas day. I would put days of effort into constructing an easy-to-read, simple-to-purchase, direct-info Christmas list, in order to better aid those who wished to win my loyalty through life.

As years have gone by I enjoy watching people open gifts, but only if they're from me -- I like to explain the reasoning or use for the gift, and gauge their reaction accordingly; I don't put an immense amount of time into my Christmas shopping; I make quick, snap decisions as to the appropriateness of each gift, as the majority of my gifts are budget-dictated.

If I have $30-50 to spend on someone, I ask myself if the eye-catching item would make a good gift for that person specifically, and base my purchase on that. It can make for a very interesting shopping excursion (as my stalker will attest, having to put up with my bizarre consumerism habits for 4 hours), but I usually get 90% of my shopping done in one afternoon.

My parents, and my brother, are another story: I set no limit on their gifts, and buy them something that they would like. I might buy my mother some Versace sunglasses, or a mini-fridge for my brother, but the price-point is not a priority for me. However, it's usually the more functional or simple gifts that work best for my dad, as he's very easy to please; he was more excited to get a $20 DVD copy of Cinderella Man than he was for his $100 Aldo Leather Slippers.

On some level, I'm glad that I'm not with Heather right now, as I am positive that I would have spoiled her completely rotten. In fact, I've never had a serious relationship over the Holidays, so I can only imagine how much money I have saved because of that. I could very well be living in a box right now had that not been the case.

To me, this is the most entertaining part of Christmas; finding people things they will like, or things that will complement them in some way, and giving them with no desire for recompense. Sure, it's great to receive gifts, but I will treasure a thoughtful thank you over a hastily purchased, non-descript, household thingamajigger.

My mother puts a lot thought into my presents (my dad doesn't shop, but he did pick out some shirts for me) because she loves Christmas. Mom always has a way of knowing what I need (ie. new boots, gloves, jacket), without me even realizing that I need it.

All that being said, I'm sure -- nay positive -- that you are wondering, "If Christmas is your 2nd Favourite Time of the Year, what's the first?"

My birthday, naturally.

Peace, love, joy and fruitcake to all! Death to all those who oppose!

12.24.2005

The Greetings of the Season

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my wish for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, non-addictive, low stress, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, as well as the secular practices of your choice, but with full respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

And further, please accept my wish for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contribution to our diverse society has helped make this country great (not to imply that CANADA is necessarily greater than any other country, and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, veteran status or sexual orientation of the wisher, wishee or their third party beneficiaries).

These wishes are limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of approximately one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

Use of the term "Holiday" herein is not intended to, nor shall it be considered to be, limited to Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, nor to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community group, individual or belief (or lack thereof). In particular, the word "holiday" is used herein without reference to its etymology.

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable abinitio at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that there is no alteration to the original greeting text. Any transfer is to be at the risk of the transferor who, by making such transfer, thereby agrees to hold the wishee harmless from any and all adverse consequences resulting from such transfer.

This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually take any action or fail to take any action to implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same.

This greeting is void where prohibited by law, custom or policy and is offered irrespective of any card, hard copy greeting or embarrassing self-indulgent letter summarizing achievements in 2005, however mendacious, which may or may not have been purveyed by myself or any member of myextended family.

Reasonably Endeavored Wishes,

Jack Tango
a.k.a. Dan Radice

12.20.2005

The Dogs and the TV

For everyone to enjoy, here are three things that I love:


That's Toby on the left, and Sonny on the right. How adorable.

That's my new TV. 61" inches of wide-screen glorious goodness.

Yes, that is a real broadcast image. I'm hot.

12.19.2005

The Virus Attacks

View this, this and this first. Now read this post.


His Grace would like this, I think.

Language-related tricks and funneries.

Check it out.